Heartbreak

I stood looking at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning… disgusted. My heart was breaking and the longer I looked the more it broke, until I could look no longer, I had to look away. “Please help me”, those words kept ringing in my ears. I could not shut them out. Those eyes, black and despairing, kept staring at me out from under the tattered blanket… “please help me… please help me… please help…” I had not recognized Him – how was that possible?

I was enjoying an evening out with friends in a local eatery last evening. The day had been a day like any other. Church in the morning, casual conversation with friends, knowing my Lord was with me and enjoying His company. As the night was drawing to a close and everyone had left the establishment I was the last out the door. The moment I exited I found myself face to face with a women covered in a worn and dirty blanket. She stared at me for just a moment with hollow black eyes then she said, “Please help me”. Those were the only words that left her lips… “Please help me”. As she continued to look into my eyes I turned my face away and muttered, “Not tonight”.

What a horrible thing to say. What a cold and callused thing to do. A chill ran through me as the words left my lips and I was horrified… but I crossed the street and walked away from her. Even now, as I think about it, tears are coming again.

As I reached my car not 10 seconds later I knew I had to do something. I looked back to find her and she was gone. My eyes went in all directions but I could not find her, she was just gone. I got in my car and told my passengers what had happened. I explained that I needed to help but as we pulled away from the curb and continued to look for her she was not to be found.

I drove off but could not get the incident out of my mind. I thought about her all the way home. All the different possible responses I should have given kept screaming in my head. I should have taken her back into the establishment and bought her a dinner and paid for her to stay in out of the cold for at least a few hours. How hard would that have been? Why didn’t I do at least that? How could I walk away? Am I nothing more than a Pharisee, crossing the road to avoid the injured Samaritan? Do I serve my Lord merely in word with no action? I profess He lives within me, how could I walk away from JESUS so easily?!!

There it was… How could I just walk right past Jesus and not stop to help? What had I done? “What you do unto the least of these you do as unto Me” Jesus stood on that cold, dark sidewalk last night covered in nothing more than a dirty, worn blanket, looked into my eyes and pleaded for help. I walked away!!! How could I do that?

Oh what a retched man am I. That is all I can think right now. A dear and loving friend has already told me Jesus does not shame. I love my friend for that and I know it to be true. But my heart is broken. I am profoundly sad right now. This is something Jesus and I must and will work out. Oh what a hard lesson He has for me.

I love you Jesus and I am so so heartfully sorry.