A Quiet Ride Home

August 13, 2010
10:00 pm

I just returned home after spending the evening with my friend. He told me he is going to die soon… 6 to 12 months are his doctors’ best guess… nothing they can do.

Things were quiet during the car ride home. I’m not quite sure I know how I feel about this whole thing. That thought kept playing over and over in my mind… it still does. How should I feel… how do I feel… how will I feel… is any of it appropriate… is there such a thing as “appropriate” at a time such as this?

This is a singularly special relationship I share with this man. No better or worse than similar relationships I share with other Christian brothers; but this is a longer relationship, that has passed through many varied stages, and is currently in a very different place than I ever anticipated at the beginning. I have come to love this man through the years we shared.

We sat tonight and we talked. We were choked up at times and we laughed at times. He told me of his “bucket list” and how he hoped it would play out. He spoke of returning to his homeland across the sea and visiting one last time with his parents to say good-bye. He talked of visiting his favorite mountains in Utah and seeing the slopes he so loved to ski. He talked mostly of spending time with his friends and loved ones, as much time as possible.

I sensed a predictable sadness in him, as any person would experience when being separated from all that he knows and loves without a choice. Yet there was neither fear nor anger. He spoke of being the lucky one. The one who would be with Jesus, waiting for the rest of us to get there. He spoke of giving his entire life to the Lord five years ago and that it is the Lord’s to do with as He wills.

I know all this to be true and I am inspired. I am so proud of him and happy for him and sad for him and heart broken for me and… I don’t know what. My life has been touched by death many times in the past several years. It is never easy, it is sometimes very sad. I don’t want to say what you expect me to say, or what I expect me to say. I don’t want to feel what I’m expected to feel. This time is different… I’m not sure how… yet.